Thanks to my sister Vanessa for making me aware of the comedian Demetri Martin.
Man oh man is this guy funny.
He has great food-related jokes too.
At ~2 minutes into this video are 2 classics. Below are a few more.
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many nas are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.' "
"I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater."
"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
"If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat."
" 'Cotton balls' is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. 'Cinnamon buns', on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.' "